I’ve been longing for the purpose in my life. Why am I living?
All my life I thought my purpose was to be a meaningful husband and a good father to my children. At age nineteen, I married a very nice child (she was sixteen). We were convinced that we were doing the right thing, and we did so for fifteen years.
We had two beautiful children and a normal family life.
That’s when we realized we made a mistake in marrying, we divorced.
Then, in just two and one-half years later, I remarried. This time I married someone twice as old as the first child in hopes I was making a better choice—I didn’t.
The dream of being a good husband I thought was delusional at this point, but, still a good father, not to falter.
For my sanity, I decided to live my life the way I chose and to be happy in doing so, not trying to live a life that someone else thought I should.
Under many protests, I started a jewelry distribution business and grew it to an international jewelry business with over seven-hundred customers in the US and the Caribbean. Sure, glad I didn’t listen to the nay-sayers!
Was this my purpose?
When I was forty-nine I was diagnosed with rapid Prostate Cancer. Yes, it was removed successfully. It took two years to recover from the operation. While recovering, I thought again about my purpose in life. I looked at my life, falters and successes, and decided to write a book about my discoveries. Maybe I can help others with my experiences.
I looked very deeply into my world; what made me cry, what made me hold-back from moving forward, who influenced me the most and in which direction. Was there love in my world and how did I respond; what is keeping me from moving forward today?
These disturbing questions called for disturbing answers that I hadn’t planned on. However, the insights I uncovered are frightening and joyous at the same time. Examining each I discovered was worth the risk because I learned a lot about myself and the folks closest to me and what they might expect from me, and is that what I wanted to give.
Yes, I grew up a lot and thought, others must experience this, so why not show others how to free themselves from their past.
I already had the title of the book, Who Sleeps in Your Skin? It took me ten years before I wrote the first line. It took ten years to write the first line because I was struggling with the answer to my purpose. Was this book, I asked of myself, my purpose—to be a writer, a speaker in motivational dialog? I have no experience as a writer or speaker in this mode, how could I write such a book?
Since I could not come up with an answer, I decided to try it. If I failed, at least I tried to write.
What is so stunning to me, is as each person read some of what I had written, they professed I was talking directly to them. My writing was speaking to them! My words were connecting with something important in them. How was I doing that? I tried to find out, but all in all, it doesn’t matter–I am writing, I am connecting with people.
Is this my purpose?
Time went on I discovered I needed by-pass surgery. Again, a time to die if this failed.
This is the second time I am saved, but to do what? Am I to continue on my journey to help people with my words of motivation? If so, how will my voice be heard?
Struggling to answer this question, I decided to write many articles to keep my voice heard Social media, five websites, each with a different theme, but all with the same message.
If I have failed to connect thus far, how is this my purpose?
Another chance encounter with death comes in 2010 when I have emergency Gallbladder surgery. I drove myself to the emergency room in a matter of minutes. I had no idea what was wrong with me except I could not keep my dinner down.
It took two days for the surgeons to find my problem because the reasons for my visit did not match what the MRI found within me, they said.
On the second day, I was given a special liquid, and for the next two hours, I was repeatedly targeted by a special MRI machine. Sure enough, the problem matched my complaint. But, what was the first MRI finding?
The first MRI finding showed I had a blood clot in my lungs! But this didn’t match my complaint. The second MRI showed my Gallbladder in distress. It was removed. The blood clot was removed over a year with special blood thinners.
Spared again, but what is my purpose?
Not long after my gallbladder surgery, I required back surgery to resolve an acute back issue. Done! I survived again, but in one year, while in stop-and-go traffic I got rear-ended by a young woman who perhaps was distracted, and hits me in the rear at about forty-five miles per hour. OK, I survived, but I now have upper back and neck injuries. No more operations.
And, I wonder again, what is my purpose. You would think after floundering all these years, it would come to me, my purpose in life! I struggle again.
Until, November 20, 2017.
This operation is the daddy of all operations. I required brain surgery to clip an aneurysm in my brain. Although I didn’t know it, I had this aneurysm for at least two years, but no one knew it. It was found by accident while searching for something else.
After my operation, I was completely composed for two weeks. I had no idea what was happening to me, where I was or what had happened to me. I was very peaceful.
After careful thinking, I realized I was in the hands of God, safe and healing!
Then HE sent me back! Why?
What is my purpose for being here on this earth? I have not died after so many chances to limit my stay on earth, I have survived, but what is my purpose?
After all that has physically happened to me, I am in the best state-of-mind I can be.
Beside Who Sleeps in Your Skin?, I have written three other books, one of which is Survivor Power Tool Kit with the Motivational Power Tools Workshop.
As I was growing up, I found and used tools of wisdom others were willing to share. I selected eleven of these tools and adapted them to my life. They have worked for me, and I decided to share them with those who were willing to use them. I introduced them in the Who Sleeps in Your Skin?
I realized I had not shown others how to use these tools, and I introduced them again but in a workshop format in a new book, The Survivor Power Tools Kit with the Motivational Power Tools workshop. This book tells more about how to use the tools I talked about in my first book.
I am attempting to produce the workshop for others to use, and I struggle with the word ATTEMPT. Why can’t I rekindle the drive and enthusiasm as I have used in the past?
What is my purpose? Will I ever discover…? Why doesn’t it come easily?